Mad Hatter
by ShadowedDagger Rips Asunder
Summary: Renji is delivering papers, and suddenly comes across a strange object that looks like a hat! Being the foolish shinigami he is, he puts it on. Humor ensues. Now a multi-chap with several pairings. Based off Paul Jennings' short story, "Birdman".
1. Cat Hat Victim 1: Renji Abarai

**Hi, it's ShadowedDagger again. Hoping this will make you laugh, or possibly smile. I do not own Bleach or Paul Jenning's short story "Birdman".**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Renji walked down the hallway of the building towards the 10th division office, holding a huge stack of paperwork in his arms. His taichou had ordered him to deliver some forms to Captain Hitsugaya.

The poor redhead growled in irritation as some of the papers on the top of the pile slid off and settled on the floor. Rolling his eyes, he carefully balanced the enormous mountain of paperwork and bent to pick up the stray papers.

BONK!

Something heavy landed on his head. He lost his balance and fell over, sending the neatly stacked papers strewing all over the floor.

Renji lay there, twitching, for what seemed like hours to him, until the pain in his head receded to a dull throb. Getting up off the ground and dusting himself off, he stared in dismay at the messy array of papers all over the floor.

_Taichou's gonna KILL me, _he thought. He looked up at the roof, where sure enough, there was a hole, revealing a patch of cloudless sky. He began to pick up the fallen papers and place them in an orderly stack, grumbling to himself about how the sky was falling and how everyone should have listened to Chicken Little and built stronger roofs.

As soon as the papers were all immaculately placed in one tidy mound, Renji picked them up and started to head off. Suddenly, though, he wondered whether he should find the piece of sky that had fallen through the roof and caused him all this trouble.

Carefully placing the papers on the floor (he wasn't willing to risk spilling them again), he noticed a smoky grey object lying on the floor. Renji cautiously approached the mysterious object, wondering why it looked so dark when the sky outside was a nice, pale blue.

Upon closer inspection, he realized it was a _cat_!

_What—_Renji thought, staring dumbfounded at the cat. _I dropped all my papers because a CAT jumped on my head?! _Angrily, he drew back his foot to kick it.

Then he realized that the cat wasn't moving. He blinked, and reached down to poke the cat's body. The animal didn't stir. _Oh…it's dead, _Renji thought, surprising himself at the quickness with which he had figured this out.

"Maybe I should clean it up,"he said to himself. He picked up the cat by the tail and was about to drop it into his pocket when he saw that its whole underbelly area was hollow!

"Huh?" The word came out more like a noise then an actual word. Renji held the cat carefully in his hands and stared at it. _It looks kind of like a hat, _he concluded.

Renji was suddenly possessed by the desire to put the cat hat on his head. Yes, he knew it was stupid, but c'mon! He was bored, and all his friends had abandoned him—Hisagi was doing paperwork (workaholic), Kira was crying over a picture of his former captain (crybaby), Ichigo—who was now captain of 5th Division—was training (competitive freak), Ikkaku was running some errands for Kenpachi (teacher's—er, taichou's pet!), Yumichika was washing his hair for the third time that day (narcissist), and Matsumoto…

A slight blush came onto Renji's cheeks as he thought of the beautiful strawberry blonde. Quickly shaking his head to clear his mind, he realized that the pile of paperwork was still waiting to be brought to Captain Hitsugaya.

_Perhaps I'll see Matsumoto when I drop off this mountain, _Renji smiled. He tucked the cat hat away in his pocket and picked up the papers, heading off towards the office.

* * *

When Renji arrived, the first thing he saw was several huge stacks of paper, blocking his view of the 10th division captain.

"Uh, I brought some forms Kuchiki-taichou asked me to--" Renji started, but Hitsugaya stopped him.

"Just leave them on the stack to my left."

Renji obeyed and put the forms on the left pile of paperwork. As he did, he looked around for any sign of the big-chested woman known as Matsumoto.

"Um, Hitsugaya-taichou?"

"What?"

"Where's Matsumoto?"

The silence that followed was long and uncomfortable. When Hitsugaya answered, his voice was so icy Renji almost shivered.

"Where do you think?"

Renji swallowed before he answered. "Well, if you could--"

"You've done your job, now leave me alone," Hitsugaya interrupted coldly.

"R-right. Um, good luck with the paperwork!" Renji said, bolting out the door before he was turned into a Popsicle.

"What a brat," Renji grumbled as he hurried down the hallway. "I was just asking…" Renji shoved his hands into his pockets and stifled a shriek as he felt something furry.

_What…_Renji then remembered the cat hat he had put in his pocket. His eyes brightened and he pulled it out. He ran to show Kira the cat hat.

* * *

"You mean it just fell out of the sky?" Kira sniffed, wiping his eyes. A sodden picture of Captain Ichimaru lay nearby on the desk.

Renji shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

"And it's a _hat_?"

"Well, I…suppose…"

Kira blew his nose and tossed the tissue into the trashcan. "Put it on," he urged. "Let's see what happens."

"Er, okay…" Renji said, feeling slightly uneasy. He picked up the cat hat from where it sat on the desk and looked at it. Its eyes were closed, but Renji felt as though the cat hat was somehow…alive.

_I'm going crazy, _Renji thought. He stared at the cat hat for a while longer, and then slipped it onto his head. It felt strangely warm.

The two shinigami waited for something to happen—perhaps an explosion, some confetti to spew out of the cat, a song to start playing…

Nothing happened.

Disappointment showed clearly on Kira's face. He turned away and sniffled into a tissue.

"Er…" Renji looked at Kira's back and shrugged. He reached up to pull the hat off, but though he tugged until his fingers were sore, the cat hat refused to budge. He frowned slightly, then turned to ask Kira for help.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A BLONDE-HAIRED MAN CRYING PITIFULLY._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSE AGAIN._

Renji suddenly felt a deep wave of sadness come over him. Before he knew it, he was crying and blubbering like a baby! He tried to stop, but he couldn't stop the tears from leaking out, couldn't stop the sobs that were escaping his lips.

Kira turned around at the sudden noise and stared at Renji, unaccustomed to seeing his friend break down so suddenly. "Um…is there something wrong?"

Renji struggled to speak, but he just kept sobbing. He finally managed to burst out "No, nothing's wrong!"

Kira looked at Renji for a while longer, then scowled angrily. "Stop making fun of me!" Kira screamed violently. He lunged for Renji, screaming and crying and wiping his nose.

Renji stumbled back, still sobbing. He ran out the door and took off down the hallway. After a few seconds, he was finally able to stop crying.

"What was that?" Renji said. "Why'd I start crying?" He shook the strange feeling off and headed back to the office. His Captain probably had some paperwork for him to do, and he would throw a (dignified) fit if Renji wasn't there to do it.

He sighed and walked down the hallway to the office, forgetting about the cat hat.

* * *

When Renji opened the door, Byakuya looked up from his paperwork. He raised an eyebrow. "What is that disgusting thing sitting on top of your head?"

Renji stopped short. _Argh, the cat hat! _He had forgotten it. He tried to look as cool and composed as he could before saying, "It's the new hat they're selling in stores right now. I had to wait in line for _hours _to get one. You can go down to the store to get one now if you want."

Byakuya did not try to keep the disgusted look off his face. "Just do the paperwork, Renji."

"Yes, taichou," Renji answered. He walked towards the papers Byakuya was holding out for him.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A MAN DOING PAPERWORK WHILE_

_SITTING AT A DESK._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSE AGAIN._

Just before he could take the papers from Byakuya, Renji's body went rigid. He walked past Byakuya's outstretched hand and around the desk.

"Renji…" Byakuya looked up impatiently when Renji did not take the papers from his hand, and blinked in surprise as Renji plunked himself down on Byakuya's lap. He picked up the brush and started to do Byakuya's paperwork.

"Abarai!" Byakuya said, trying to keep his cool. "Kindly remove yourself from my lap and go do your paperwork."

Renji took no notice of Byakuya. He leaned back as he wrote, giving Byakuya a mouthful of hair. "Erk!" Byakuya pulled away and took a deep breath. He tried to push Renji off, but Renji refused to leave his Captain's lap. By now Byakuya was very, very red in the face and he was beginning to feel a headache coming on. "Fukutaichou!" He snapped angrily.

Renji stopped. He blinked as he looked down at the paperwork he had just done, and then glanced over his shoulder at his red-faced, angry Captain. "Er…" he said. "I can explain…"

"Get out of the office." Byakuya's tone dared Renji to disobey him. "And don't bother coming back until I tell you to."

Renji clambered off his Captain's lap as fast as he could. "Right. Um, I'll see you later!" He then took off as fast as he could.

Panting, Renji looked wondered where he should go next. He looked into a mirror and saw the cat hat sitting on his head, eyes still closed. He said aloud, "Stupid cat hat. Are you the one causing all my problems?" He decided to stop by Hisagi next and ask for assistance in getting the dumb hat off.

* * *

Renji sighed and stretched. He had come to Hisagi and told him the story, hoping for help, but Hisagi simply nodded vaguely and asked if Renji would help with his paperwork. So now Renji was stuck filling out some forms when he should have been brainstorming ways to get the cat hat off.

Hoping for some spark of inspiration in getting the cat hat off, he looked out the window.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A FEW KIDS DRAWING ON THE _

_GROUND WITH CHALK._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSE AGAIN._

Renji jumped up from his seat. Hisagi looked at him worriedly. "That's it? You're leaving? But you only did two--"

Renji grabbed the brush from Hisagi's hand and knelt on the floor. He placed the brush against the smooth wooden surface, and started drawing.

"Hey!" Hisagi cried. "Renji, what are you doing?!" He tried to pull the brush away from the redhead, but Renji pushed Hisagi away and continued drawing.

"Look," Hisagi said, pulling out some blank pieces of paper, "You can draw on these. Now get off the floor and clean it up!"

Renji looked up at Hisagi, stared at the pieces of paper in his hand, and continued drawing on the floor. He carefully filled out the details and even hummed to himself as he drew, not caring that the ink was staining his robes.

Finally, after what seemed like eternity to Hisagi, Renji stopped and stared at the inky floor. "Huh?" he said.

"'Huh?' That's all you can say?!" Hisagi snatched the brush from Renji's hands and looked at him crossly. "Look at the floor!"

Gulping, Renji looked at the picture of…what was that? A chicken? "I…I can explain…" Renji started.

To his surprise, Hisagi shook his head. "Don't explain. Just clean up the floor, then leave."

"Yes, sir," Renji replied meekly. He grabbed a cloth, ran it under the tap, and started wiping.

* * *

Soon Renji finished, and he said goodbye to Hisagi. "Stupid cat hat's making me do stuff," he grumbled as he pondered where to head next. "Never should have put it on…"

He heard a familiar voice coming from the 10th Division office. "Taichou!"

_That's it! _Renji thought excitedly. _I'll go ask Hitsugaya-taichou. After all, he is a child prodigy. And it sounds like Matsumoto's there as well…_

He sprinted down the hall and swung open the door.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A WHITE-HAIRED BOY GETTING_

_SMOTHERED IN THE BOSOM OF A WOMAN._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

"Wha—" Renji said as he felt himself run towards Matsumoto. "No! No no no no no no no…" His voice faded away as his face buried itself in the twin peaks of Mt. Matsumoto.

* * *

"Why Renji, I never knew you felt that way about me," Matsumoto teased cheekily. Hitsugaya had just left to deliver the forms to Byakuya after threatening Renji with bodily harm if he ever molested his fukutaichou again.

Renji just grunted. It seemed like he was doomed to wear the stupid cat hat forever, and to keep embarrassing himself.

"What's the matter, Renji?" Matsumoto leaned closer to the redhead, showing off her perfect pearly whites. Renji was about to reply when she leaned even closer and gently kissed his lips.

Instantly, he blushed, but kissed her back. His arms slid around her waist, all memory of Hitsugaya's threat gone.

Her hands reached around to the back of his neck and tried to untie his ponytail. She stopped and pulled away. Renji looked at her. Had he done something wrong?

"The dead cat has got to go," Matsumoto said, wrinkling her nose. She grabbed the cat's ears, and with one fluid motion, pulled it off Renji's head and flung it out the window. "Now, where were we…?"

Renji grinned as they leaned in for another kiss.

* * *

Outside, Ichigo was taking a break from training. He panted and walked over to a tree to rest in the shade. As he walked, he tripped over something.

"Eeh?" He looked down, and saw a cat lying at his feet. Its underbelly was hollow, almost like a hat.

"Hmm…" Ichigo made sure no one was looking, then carefully picked up the cat hat. He put it in his pocket and went into the building.

* * *

**Please leave reviews. Suggestions/comments/"You are a st00pid l00zer" remarks/anything else are very much appreciated. Also, I'm thinking of doing a sequel. Should I, or just leave it as a oneshot?**


	2. Cat Hat Victim 2: Ichigo Kurosaki

**Many thanks to the people who reviewed Chapter One! After some encouragement, I've decided to release another episode of the cat hat.**

**Here's what happened last chapter…**

_Outside, Ichigo was taking a break from training. He panted and walked over to a tree to rest in the shade. As he walked, he tripped over something._

"_Eeh?" He looked down, and saw a cat lying at his feet. Its underbelly was hollow, almost like a hat._

"_Hmm…" Ichigo made sure no one was looking, then carefully picked up the cat hat. He put it in his pocket and went into the building_.

**In this chapter, the cat hat makes a trip to the human world…please note that I kind of changed Ichigo's age so he's now out of school.**

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki—the captain of 5th Division—was taking a vacation to visit his family in the human world. With him, he brought his toothbrush, a few clothing articles, clean underwear, wrapped presents for his family, and…

…the cat hat.

Ichigo hesitated, his hand still stuffing Karin's present (a soccer ball signed by Captain Hitsugaya) into his bag. His eyes flicked over to the cat hat, which was lying on the floor next to his chair. A gust of wind blew through the open window, ruffling the cat hat's matted fur. The strawberry looked away, unnerved by the fact that though the cat hat's eyes were closed, it still seemed very much…alive.

Quickly pushing those thoughts aside, he then argued with himself about whether he should bring the cat hat with him to the human world.

_Dad might not want me bringing a dirty old cat into the house…but maybe Yuzu or Karin will want to play with it…besides, something tells me this is no ordinary hat, and I don't want someone to take it._

It was decided. Ichigo tossed the cat hat into his bag, zipped it up, and left to say goodbye to his friends before he left.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW NOTHING BUT BLACK DARKNESS._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

* * *

"ICHIGO, MY BOY! HOW YOU'VE GROWN!" Isshin rushed towards Ichigo and aimed a high kick at his face. Luckily, though, Ichigo had expected this and managed to grab his father's leg, causing Isshin to lose his balance and fall to the ground.

"Baka, is that any way to treat the Captain of 5th Division?" Ichigo snapped, stepping over his father, who was lying on the ground crying about how he had trained Ichigo so well, and how fast he was shooting up.

"Welcome home, Ichi-nii," Yuzu said. Ichigo pulled Yuzu into a hug, and then hugged Karin, who was leaning against the wall. Even though she wrinkled her nose and stuck her tongue out at him, she still said, "Welcome home, Ichigo."

After the initial welcome homes and hugs, Ichigo gave the presents out. Yuzu squealed happily as she opened hers (new kitchen utensils and a stuffed Chappy Bunny stolen from Rukia), Karin rolled her eyes when she saw hers ("Another soccer ball? Be a bit more creative, will ya?" "But it's _signed_, Karin!"), and poor Isshin couldn't understand why he had gotten _duct tape_, of all things.

"What, my beloved firstborn son, is this for?" Isshin inquired, scratching his head as he stared at the duct tape roll in his hand. "What am I supposed to—"

Ichigo snatched the roll of duct tape from his father's hand. He carefully peeled off two nice, long strips. He then stuck them in an X-shape on Isshin's mouth. After some thought, he also taped Isshin's hands to the wall and his feet to the floor.

"That's what it's for," Ichigo said, admiring his handiwork. "I'm gonna go see my friends," he continued. "See you all later." Ichigo then went into his room to get changed.

As Ichigo stepped into his old room, he looked around and smiled. The room hadn't changed much since he'd left—most of his things were still here. He unzipped his bag and pulled on some jeans and a T-shirt.

After getting dressed, he walked out of the house to find Ishida, Chad, Orihime, and Tatsuki. The cat hat remained in his backpack, completely forgotten.

* * *

A week and a half had gone by before Ichigo remembered the cat hat. He had rediscovered it as he was digging around the bottom of the backpack looking for the yellow socks with ice cream cones on them.

_Plop. _Ichigo jumped back as the cat hat slid out of the bag and rolled on the floor before stopping at Ichigo's feet.

"Hey!" Ichigo said in surprise. "It's that hat I brought from Soul Society…" He quickly reached for it, but then drew his hand back.

After watching the cat hat suspiciously, waiting for some sign of malicious intent, he picked it up. _It's just a hat, _he reminded himself. _Stop acting so paranoid. _

_Might as well show the others, _he decided after a while. He shrugged and pushed it under his jacket. Pulling on his socks, he left the house.

* * *

Ichigo and the others met up for lunch. They went into the restaurant and were seated near the window.

Once they had all received their food and were pleasantly distracted, Ichigo pulled out the cat hat and threw it at Ishida. The result was fantastically chaotic.

Ishida screamed and raised his arms to shield himself from the incoming object. His arm came down on his soup bowl and warm, sticky split pea soup flew all over, drenching everyone. Orihime yelped as some peas got in her eye, and her noodles flew all over the table. Tatsuki dropped her hamburger back on her plate and accidentally put her elbow into it, squirting mustard and ketchup onto Ichigo's face. Chad wiped his face and went off to get napkins. And Ichigo…

…could not stop laughing.

"You idiot!" Ishida snarled furiously, wiping his pea-soupy hands on his pea-soupy napkin. "What'd you do that for?"

Wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, Ichigo gasped out, "I just wanted to see what you guys would do."

"Nice, Ichigo," Tatsuki said sarcastically. "And I was actually wearing something nice today too," she continued, looking at her once-red shirt, which was now a sort of greenish brown color. "Are you okay?" she asked Orihime.

"Um, yes. I—I'm fine," Orihime wet a napkin and tried in vain to wipe off her slimy green hair. Tatsuki helped her pull the long noodle strands out of it.

Thankfully, Chad soon arrived with his hands full of napkins. He silently began wiping the table and passing napkins to everyone who needed them.

"Aw, c'mon," Ichigo said, wiping the condiments from his face. "Geez, I thought you guys could take a joke."

Orihime started to reply, but Tatsuki clamped a hand over her mouth and handed her a napkin. They all silently cleaned the table (and themselves) and ignored Ichigo.

"Fine," Ichigo said huffily. "I'll go find someone who _does _care about me." He marched off and collected the cat hat from the floor, where it was surprisingly untouched by food. He stuck his hand into the stomach, as though it were a puppet.

"They're being mean to me," Ichigo said to the cat hat in his normal voice. He then changed his voice to high, silly sounding voice. "Just ignore them. They can't take a harmless prank." He switched to his normal voice. "Make them talk to me." And back to the high voice. "Okay, sir. No problem."

He drew his arm back to throw the cat hat at Ishida again. He swung his arm forward—

The cat hat was snatched from his hands by Ishida. He glared at Ichigo, and curled his lip in disgust as he stared at the cat. "Ew, this is the thing you threw at me? Where'd you get a dead cat?"

"Ichigo!" Tatsuki's voice was sharp. "You didn't kill that thing, did you?"

"Poor kitty!" Orihime cried. She reached out to pat the matted grey fur.

Ichigo scowled at Tatsuki and Ishida. "I didn't kill it. I found it in Soul Society while I was taking a break from my training," he said. "I think it's a hat."

"Who would wear a disgusting dead cat on their head?" Tatsuki asked. Then she paused and looked at Ishida. An evil, conspiratorial look passed between them.

Ishida ran over to Ichigo, and before he could react, pushed the cat hat onto his head.

"Hey!" Ichigo cried. His friends were looking at him as though they expected him to drop dead at any minute. And they were also snickering because let's face it, people look pretty silly when they're wearing dead animals on their heads.

They waited…

…and waited…

…and waited…

"Maybe it's broken," Ishida suggested. Ichigo rolled his eyes and tried to pull to cat hat off. However, it seemed to cling to his head like a limpet clings to rock.

"Um, a little help here?" he said, glancing expectantly at his friends. But they were all looking somewhere else. Ichigo followed their eyes to…

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A FAT MAN WITH TATTOOS PICKING HIS NOSE _

_WITH HIS PINKY._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Ichigo's eyes widened in horror as his pinky suddenly shot up his left nostril. His eyes widened even more when his finger started…er, digging for treasure.

The strawberry tried to be as quiet as possible so that his friends would not turn around and catch him doing this embarrassing act. Unfortunately, they got tired of watching whatever it was they were watching, and looked back at Ichigo.

Ishida's eyes bugged out. He looked at Tatsuki, who was also staring in dismay at Ichigo. Orihime and Chad pretended not to notice.

"Ichigo, cut it out! People are staring!" Ishida hissed angrily.

"Ichigo, there are some things that are acceptable to do in public, and other things you do only in the bedroom," Tatsuki explained patiently.

"I…can't…stop!" Ichigo said as his pinky drove further up his nose.

Suddenly a shadow fell over him. Turning around, Ichigo found himself face to face with a heavily muscled chest covered in tattoos. He gulped and looked up into the angry face of Tattoo Guy.

"You makin' fun o' me?" Tattoo Guy growled, bumping Ichigo with his chest.

"Er, no—" Ichigo swallowed nervously as he was grabbed by the front of his shirt and lifted off the floor.

* * *

After Tattoo Guy finished practicing his punching moves with Ichigo, Chad picked Ichigo up and they went to the park to sit by the lake. There, Orihime began to heal Ichigo's many bruises and cuts.

"Erph—why didn't—uuh—you guys—ack—help—erp—me?" Ichigo said, wincing as his wounds disappeared.

"Shut up, Ichigo. You brought this on yourself, openly mocking that guy," Ishida replied calmly, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

"I wasn't mocking him! I just started doing it and then couldn't stop!" Ichigo leaped to his feet and rushed towards the Quincy, attempting to push him into the lake.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW SOME DUCKS SWIMMING ON THE _

_SURFACE OF THE LAKE._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Suddenly, Ichigo stopped. He looked at the green, algaed lake. He looked back at Ishida. Then he jumped into the lake with his clothes on and started quacking.

"What is wrong with that boy?" Ishida sighed and walked over to the edge of the lake. "Ichigo! Stop your atrocious behavior at once and get out!"

Orihime looked worriedly at Ichigo, who was flapping his arms and trying to float on the surface. "Did I do something to him while I was healing him?" she asked Tatsuki.

"Nah, he's just trying to get us back for ignoring him at lunch," Tatsuki replied, rolling her eyes. She nudged Ishida. "Just ignore him. He'll get out eventually."

Meanwhile, Ichigo was quacking and swimming around, happily ignoring the "No Swimming" sign. He dove below the surface and grabbed some aquatic grass in his teeth. He happily chewed and swallowed it. Then he quacked and tried to follow a mother duck and her ducklings.

The mother duck attacked him. Ichigo quacked in fear and quickly turned tail. He swam over to a group of feeding ducks, but they swam away from him. Saddened by this turn of events, he began to quack sorrowfully.

"Poor Ichigo. Even the ducks don't like him," Ishida commented.

Suddenly, they saw the park officer walk over to where Ichigo was swimming with his head down. "Hey, get out of there! Didn't you see the 'No Swimming' sign?"

Ichigo quacked and tried to swim away, but the officer grabbed him by the collar and dragged him out of the lake. Desperate, Ichigo attacked the officer, smacking him with an open palm and trying to nip at him.

All of a sudden, Ichigo stopped. "Huh?" he said, looking at the park officer, and then down at himself. "Er, sorry—"

"Don't let me catch in there again, you hear me?" The officer walked away, muttering about insane hobos.

Ichigo looked back at his friends, who were doubled over in hysterics. Even Chad was hiding a smile.

The soaked strawberry walked over, trying to look as though nothing was wrong, as though it were normal to take a swim in the duck lake.

* * *

"Jerks," Ichigo grumbled as they made their way to Ichigo's house for dinner. "I can't believe you just let me jump in the lake. I could have drowned, you know."

"Nothing would have happened unless you don't know how to swim, which I know for a fact you do," Tatsuki said. "Besides, it was funny."

"Funny my butt," Ichigo growled. "I am so paying you all back for that—er, except for you, Inoue," he added quickly, seeing Orihime's face adopt a sad expression.

The group walked in silence for a while, and then Ichigo said "It's the cat hat."

"Huh?" they all said, looking at Ichigo as though he had just sprouted horns.

"Think about it," he said. "I just started doing weird stuff when you put the cat hat on my head, and I can't take it off."

Just as he finished speaking, they came across…

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A DOG DEPOSITING A BROWN PILE_

_ON THE GRASS._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Ichigo stopped. His eyes filled with horror as he started taking off his pants. "Help! Help!" he yelled, waving his arms at his friends, who were staring at him open mouthed. "Don't just stand there!" he cried as he squatted down on the grass. "Do somethi—" He looked up at a sudden noise.

"Ichi…nii?" There stood Yuzu, clutching a bag of groceries in her hands.

* * *

Thankfully, after the…dog episode, Ichigo was able to pull the cat hat off his head. His troubles didn't end there, though.

None of his friends would let him forget what had happened. And quite frankly, neither would his family.

Eventually, Ichigo left early from his vacation and went back to Soul Society, where no one would have heard of the embarrassing incident.

Unfortunately, Isshin had already sent photos (courtesy of Ishida) and the story was well spread by the time he got back.

Poor Ichigo.

Finally, angry and humiliated, Ichigo decided to give the cat hat to someone who deserved some embarrassment. This person was none other than…

Byakuya Kuchiki.

Well, actually, he didn't really _give_ it to him…

* * *

Byakuya was sitting in his office, quietly doing his paperwork. He heard some scratching noises on the roof, but chose to ignore them. He dipped his brush into the ink, and—

_BOOM._

Splinters of wood scattered all over Byakuya's head. As he was distracted, he felt someone push something warm and furry onto his head.

Byakuya quickly looked up at the hole in the roof, and though he could have sworn he'd seen a flash of orange, he wasn't too sure. He went back to his paperwork.

Suddenly, his annoying fukutaichou came into the room and then stopped dead. Byakuya sighed inwardly.

"I don't recall asking for you to come back to the office, fuku—"

"Why are you wearing my hat on your head, taichou?"

A long silence followed.

* * *

**Poor Ichigo. I do love poking fun at him, but I feel especially mean in this chapter...stay tuned for the next chapter (featuring our favorite 6th Division Captain, Byakuya Kuchiki).**

**Thanks for reading, and please, please, please review.** **Any suggestions/comments/"You are a st00pid l00zer" remarks/anything else will be appreciated.**


	3. Cat Hat Victim 3: Byakuya Kuchiki

**And the cat hat ends up back in Soul Society. Here's a recap of the last chapter:**

_Byakuya was sitting in his office, quietly doing his paperwork. He heard some scratching noises on the roof, but chose to ignore them. He dipped his brush into the ink, and—_

_BOOM._

_Splinters of wood scattered all over Byakuya's head. As he was distracted, he felt someone push __something warm and furry onto his head._

_Byakuya quickly looked up at the hole in the roof, and though he could have sworn he'd seen a flash of orange, he wasn't too sure. He went back to his paperwork._

_Suddenly, his annoying fukutaichou came into the room and then stopped dead. Byakuya sighed inwardly._

"_I don't recall asking for you to come back to the office, fuku—"_

"_Why are you wearing my hat on your head, taichou?"_

_A long silence followed._

**This chapter was kind of hard to write, as I'm not too sure about Byakuya's characterization. Ah, well, enjoy!**

* * *

Byakuya Kuchiki was not a happy Captain.

After excusing himself from the office (and leaving Renji to do the paperwork), he went immediately to the nearest private spot—the garden—to try and pry the furball off his head.

And though Byakuya was one of the most powerful Captains in the Gotei 13, all the spiritual power (or swords, or machine guns, or grenades) in the world could not get the hat off.

For the first time in his life, Byakuya was stumped.

Truth be told, he was more worried about how he would look with a _dead cat _on his head than about Renji's warnings that the cat hat made its wearers behave strangely.

Finally, after several vain attempts to Senbonzakura the cat hat, Byakuya went to his office in defeat. As expected, Renji had fled the office and its ominous piles of paperwork, and so Byakuya was left alone to ponder his fate.

Not for long, though.

Suddenly, Captain Zaraki (otherwise known as Kenpachi) burst into the office. "Oi, Kuchiki! Let's have a little sparring match, just you and me!" Kenpachi suddenly stopped when he saw what Byakuya had on his head. "Eh…what's up with the hat, Kuchiki?"

Byakuya looked as dignified as possible and said, "I have some paperwork to do, Zaraki-taichou. I'm afraid I'll have to decline your offer."

"What?! Come on, noble, let's fight!"

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A TALL MAN YELLING ABOUT A FIGHT._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Kenpachi was still yelling about sparring, paying no attention to the cat hat. "What's the matter, you afraid of me or somethin'?"

Suddenly, Byakuya felt his mouth open. He had a sudden sinking feeling that what he was about to say was not going to be good. And he was right.

"What's the matter, you afraid of me or somethin'?" Byakuya boomed, his voice sounding exactly like Kenpachi's. Kenpachi looked taken aback, and then turned red in the face.

"I ain't afraid of you, priss!" he roared.

"I ain't afraid of you, priss!" Byakuya roared back.

"You mocking me?!" Kenpachi shouted, looking ready to kill.

"You mocking me?!" Byakuya yelled back.

"Okay, that's it. Let's fight!" The 11th Division Captain lunged at Byakuya.

"Okay, that's it. Let's fight!" Byakuya shouted as he jumped away. He wondered why he was doing such stupid things. And why did he keep imitating Captain Zaraki?

He tried to say something, but he was unable to. Everything that left his mouth was exactly what Kenpachi said.

Eventually, Byakuya was able to gain control again. He pretended that nothing had happened, and sat down to do his paperwork. He ignored the enraged Kenpachi who was shaking, clenching his fists, and growling insults.

* * *

Soon, though, Byakuya tired of Kenpachi's company. "Zaraki-taichou, I'd like you to leave my office. I need to finish my paperwork."

Kenpachi snarled something that did not sound very nice, and then stormed out of the office, slamming the door. Byakuya sighed with relief. _Thank goodness he's gone. Now I just have to find a way to get this blasted cat hat off…_

Although Byakuya did not like having to ask others for help, he admitted that he didn't have any other ideas about how to remove the cat hat. Who could he ask for help? Someone who was smart, and who wouldn't laugh at him (it hurts his feelings).

Byakuya put down his brush and headed towards 4th Division.

* * *

Unohana stifled a laugh as Byakuya stepped into the hospital. She smiled serenely at the 6th Division Captain before asking what he needed.

Byakuya reached up and tugged at the cat hat, while looking at Unohana meaningfully. "Can you get it off?" he asked.

Unohana reached over and pulled on the hat a few times. "Hmm…it seems to be stuck. Did you see if there was glue on it before you put it on?" she asked.

Byakuya growled. "I didn't put it on. It landed on my head."

"Have you tried cutting it?"

"Senbonzakura didn't even leave a mark on it." The look on Byakuya's face darkened.

Unohana simply smiled and said, "Well, I'll see what I can do. Wait here." She went into another room.

Byakuya looked around the clean, white room. He looked at the patients in the hospital, who were staring at him as though he were an alien. "What are you staring at?" he snapped, and they all quickly looked away.

_Where is Unohana? _Byakuya thought, looking around for any sign of the braid lady. His eyes wandered over to a small room that had its door ajar. Byakuya walked over to it, trying not to look like he was snooping, and peered into the crack.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A YOUNG MAN GETTING DRESSED IN_

_A HOSPITAL GOWN AND GETTING INTO _

_A HOSPITAL BED._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Byakuya pushed open the door. He strode over to the man and yanked him out of the bed.

"Kuchiki-taichou!" the man gasped. "What are you—"

Byakuya pulled the hospital gown off the man. He threw the almost naked man out the door and proceeded to dress himself in the hospital gown.

Meanwhile, outside, Unohana returned with her tools and a syringe. She saw a man wearing only his undergarments and bandages stumbling out of his room. "What happ—" she began, but the man stopped her, dropping to the ground. His bandages were turning red, stained by the blood spurting from his reopened wounds.

"Kuchiki-taichou—" he gasped. Unohana sighed inwardly. _Oh dear…_

"Don't worry, I'll deal with him. Isane, please bring this man to another room and give him a hospital gown," Unohana said. Isane nodded and hurried the man away while Unohana walked into the room that Byakuya was currently in.

Byakuya was lying in the bed, willing himself to get up, get dressed into his Captain's garb, and go to Unohana. However, he was unable to move any of his limbs. He closed his eyes and hoped that the roof would fall on him and put him out of his misery.

Unfortunately for him, he heard the door creak open. He opened his eyes and saw Unohana smiling at him. Something seemed off, though. Was it just him or did she look more…evil?

"Kuchiki-taichou," she said in her sweet, whispery voice. "Would you care to explain why you just threw my patient out of his bed and took his hospital gown?" Oh, so that's why she was here.

"I..." Byakuya tried to say, but his mouth refused to work.

Unohana walked over to him, holding something behind her back. "Which reminds me, you need to get that cat hat off, don't you?"

_Oh my goodness. What is she hiding back there? _Byakuya mentally panicked. He tried to get up, but his body refused to cooperate.

Unohana moved closer. "Don't worry, Kuchiki-taichou. I'll—"

Byakuya suddenly regained control of his body. Without stopping to put on his Captain's robe, he fled from 4th Division hospital like there were cannibals after him.

"—be gentle?" Unohana finished, watching Byakuya flee the room. She sighed and pulled a hair tie from behind her back. "I guess I'll have to find someone else to give Renji his hair tie back."

* * *

Byakuya was very freaked out. He mentally cursed himself for leaving his robe behind in 4th Division. Now he was stuck wearing this…frumpy gown. And on top of that, the cat hat was still there.

Byakuya paced around his office, occasionally tripping over the gown. Wild, panicked thoughts ran through his head.

_I need to go somewhere…someplace that will cool my head and let me think. And it has to be private, so no one will see me in this ridiculous attire. _Byakuya, being the super cool genius he is, didn't have to think long before he came to a solution: the garden.

He cautiously poked his head out of the door to check if anyone was in the hallway. The coast seemed clear, and so Byakuya tiptoed out of the office and walked silently down the hallway.

Suddenly, though, he caught sight of…

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A MAN WEARING A PINK ROBE_

_GETTING HIT ON THE HEAD WITH A FAN_

_HELD BY A WOMAN WITH __GLASSES._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Byakuya was about to hide when he saw Shunsui and Nanao, but his legs refused to obey his commands. Instead, they were carrying him closer and closer to the pair! Traitors.

Shunsui looked up, relieved. "Ah, Byakuya! Please help me out, my lovely Nanao-chan (here he was hit with the fan again) is being _so _difficult."

"I am _not _your Nanao-chan, and you have paperwork to do!" Nanao raised her fan to hit Shunsui again, but Byakuya stopped her, taking the fan into his own hand.

"Thank you, Bya—" Shunsui stopped short when the fan came down on his head several times harder than Nanao had done it. "Ouch! Bya—" Again, a punishing blow.

"Er, Kuchiki-taichou—ouch!" Nanao was also struck by the fan. Byakuya looked stonily at her, and continued to hit Shunsui and Nanao over the head several times.

Byakuya felt angry, for some reason. _They…they…wait, what did they do? _Byakuya quickly shook off the thought; they must have done something to make him angry.

Suddenly, Renji came out into the hallway. "Taichou? What are you—ah!" Renji was dragged over to the group and repeatedly beaten on the head with the fan, just like Shunsui and Nanao were.

_LATER..._

Byakuya had a large crowd in front of him. Among them were Ikkaku, Yumichika, Rukia, and others. His face betrayed no expression as he gave them all punishing smacks on the head.

No one dared move, for they had seen what would happen if they tried to avoid being whacked on the head. Boy, Hisagi was going to carry that scar for the rest of his life.

Suddenly, Byakuya spotted a new victim: Soi Fon, who was walking down the hall. He rushed over and thrust her into the crowd.

"Kuchiki-taichou, what is the meaning of—" Soi Fon was interrupted when Byakuya gave her not one smack, but two, one on the top of the head, and one on her cheek. Her eyes widened in shock, then narrowed in anger.

"Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi!"

* * *

Unohana chuckled slightly as Byakuya limped back into the hospital, wincing with each step he took. He no longer wore the cat hat.

"Are you here for Renji's hair tie? He left it here when—" Byakuya glared at her, and she stopped. "What's wrong?"

In the distance, they could hear shouts of "My hair! My beautiful face! Oh no!" and "Stop complaining! At least you have hair to cushion the blow!" and a wail of "My fan!"

But the loudest shout of all was "That sure showed him! No one lays a hand on me and gets away with it!"

Unohana looked at Byakuya's angry countenance and decided not to comment. "What did you do with the cat hat?" she asked.

Byakuya smirked, and Unohana almost had a heart attack. "I left it with someone who would properly appreciate it as it should be."

* * *

Komamura stepped into his office and stretched, savoring the ache in his muscles as he flexed them. It was so nice to come back from some hard training to an office where there weren't intimidating stacks of paperwork waiting to be finished.

Suddenly, though, he saw something sitting on the desk…

* * *

**Sorry it took me so long, I had some trouble with Byakuya's character. Hopefully it's still funny, and not corny/cheesy. Reviews are much appreciated; I want to see if I can get to 100. I know it's a bit ambitious. Thanks for reading!**


	4. Cat Hat Victim 4: Sajin Komamura

**Poor Komamura. Byakuya sure is a cruel guy. Thanks to "****FullmetalWookiee****", ****Halibel Lecter****, ****Espada-Reese****, and ****Chibified Youkai 101**** for your kind reviews! They maketh me happish.**

**Here's a recap from the previous chapter:**

_Komamura stepped into his office and stretched, savoring the ache in his muscles as he flexed them. It was so nice to come back from some hard training to an office where there weren't intimidating stacks of paperwork waiting to be finished._

_Suddenly, though, he saw something sitting on the desk…_

**Sorry, Komamura may be a little different than he's usually portrayed. Enjoy!**

* * *

Komamura froze. There, sitting on his desk, was a _cat._

Komamura's fur bristled. He felt himself bare his teeth and growl at the cat. How dare it come in here and perch itself on his desk as though it owned the office! Disgusting, filthy creature.

Crouching so the cat would not see him, Komamura sprang, his jaws reaching for the cat. He let loose a snarl, a growl so fierce that Kenpachi would have wet his pants.

The fox captain closed his jaws over the body of the cat. _I have you now! _He thought with glee. And then he bit down, not hard enough to kill or even seriously injure, but just enough to teach that cat to spread the word that felines were not tolerated in his office.

He soon regretted this action. The cat hat was hard as a rock, and biting down on it made his mouth fill with such excruciating pain that he dropped the cat and tilted his head back in a pained howl.

After the pain subsided, Komamura sat up and eyed the cat suspiciously. _It's not…even a real cat! _He realized indignantly after some examining it. _Some sort of toy…_

His eyes lit up, and he looked around to make sure the windows were closed, and the curtains pulled over them. He looked at the door, and closed and locked it.

Komamura then settled down to play with the cat hat. Sure, it might be harder than Orihime's head, but as long as he was careful…

* * *

After about an hour of play, Komamura was still itching for more. But as he looked around the messy office, with the ink spilled on the floor and table, the smashed lights, and the vase of flowers knocked over, he decided that he ought to go somewhere where there was more room to enjoy his toy.

Then he wondered how he should carry it. Carrying it in his mouth seemed too…animal, yet carrying it with his hands made him feel self conscious. He pondered for a while, then remembered that he used to wear a helmet. _That's it! _He smiled and slipped the cat hat over his head. He had to stretch it slightly to make it fit over his ears, but otherwise…perfect.

Komamura cautiously walked out of his office in search of a larger area for his toy. He couldn't stop his tail from wagging as he trotted down the hall, shaking the ground as he fairly bounced along.

A quick movement near his feet caught his eye. He looked down, and lo and behold, there was a mouse!

_Hmph, _Komamura thought, _this place is being overrun by animals!_ He shook his head and watched the mouse disappear into a mouse hole.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A MOUSE RUNNING INTO A HOLE IN_

_THE WALL._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Komamura dropped to his hands and knees. Wagging his tail, he rushed towards the mouse hole. Of course, it was too small for even his muzzle, but he pushed farther in. The wood started breaking. Komamura pushed harder, ignoring the splinters of wood that cut his face.

Just then, Yachiru ran down the hallway. She stared at the fox captain, who was trying to push his whole head through the wall. Her face broke into a smile.

"Koma-koma! What're you doing?" she beamed as she knelt by him to watch in fascination as the wood chips flew from the hole.

Komamura's reply was a wagging of his tail and a happy pant as he bashed his head against the wall, trying to follow the mouse. Yachiru giggled. "Keep going, Koma-koma! Harder, harder, HARDER!"

Encouraged, the poor fox captain started using his jaws to chew the wood away. Soon, he burst through the wall and—

Yamamoto, the soutaichou, was sitting at his desk drinking tea. He turned and stared at Komamura, who bounded into the room yelping happily with splinters and wood chips hanging from his muzzle.

Komamura suddenly came back to his senses. _Wait…why did I do that?_ He looked around, and caught sight of Yamamoto. His stomach dropped.

Yamamoto raised an eyebrow. "Care to explain what you're doing, Komamura-taichou?"

Komamura bowed his head in shame. "I…I'm sorry. There was a mouse…" He stopped there, realizing how silly he sounded.

"I'll leave you alone now," he said hastily, and turned to leave. For a split second, he actually considered going back through the hole in the wall, but quickly ran out the door before he could embarrass himself more.

* * *

Komamura stopped by the bathroom to clean himself up, and then continued on his journey. The cat hat refused to come off, which surprised him. He had expected it to fall off when he had gone through the tiny hole.

He wondered where he should go next. Perhaps…he could go to a secluded area of the training field and—yes, yes, that was exactly the solution!

Komamura patted himself on the back for coming up with such a brilliant plan, and sneaked into the training field. It didn't look like there was anyone there, except for a few seated officers and maybe a lieutenant or two.

Komamura smiled and reached his hand up to pry to cat hat off his head—

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A BUTTERFLY DAINTILY FLAPPING_

_ITS WINGS AND LANDING ON THE HEAD_

_OF A BLONDE-HAIRED MAN._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Komamura froze, his hand still on the cat hat. His head turned towards Kira, who was training with Renji. He started flapping his arms up and down as he bounced towards the pair, shaking the ground.

The poor blonde and Renji looked up as Komamura approached with a manic smile on his face. "Uhh…" Renji quickly shunpoed away as fast as he could.

_Whee! _Komamura was engulfed by glee as he bounced over to Kira, his arms still waving wildly. "I'm flying!" he shouted.

Kira stared in horror as the gigantic fox captain leaped towards him. "P-please don't hurt me!" he cried, backing away.

Komamura simply carried on as though he hadn't heard at all. _Almost there! _He thought as he took one enormous leap at Kira. He grinned in triumph as he flew onto Kira's head.

"Help! I'm being mauled!" Kira bawled as he crumpled to the ground, Komamura sitting on his head. "I—nmph—can't—breathe—"

Several other shinigami were hurrying over to investigate the scene. They all stared, their jaws scraping the ground, as Komamura sat on the blonde's head with a calm smile on his face.

Someone must have called for Unohana, and the braid lady hurried over. She raised an eyebrow at the sight and asked Komamura to get off Kira (the blonde had stopped struggling by now).

Komamura looked at her with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and a blank expression on his face.

It took almost all the shinigami in the training field to lift the fox captain off Kira (who was blue in the face and unconscious). As they tugged and grunted, Komamura suddenly blinked and jumped. He looked at the shinigami pulling at his sleeve and tilted his head in surprise.

"What happened?" he asked. Then he felt something under his legs. He peered down, and started when he saw the blue-faced man. He looked up into Unohana's amused face.

"Sorry!" he yelped, and jumped off Kira as fast as he could. "I, uh…" No one was paying attention anymore. The 4th Division medical team had arrived and taken Kira away. Every shinigami had left the training field, just in case Komamura decided to try to stunt again.

Komamura stood in the empty field. He felt his face grow hot. _Why'd I do that? _He wondered. Then his eyes lit up. _Hey, now I can play!_

He tried to pull the cat hat off, but it refused to budge. Puzzled, he yanked harder on it. _Ow! _It felt like he was trying to pull his ears off.

A deep sense of dread crept over the poor fox captain. _No…what am I going to do?! _He yanked harder on the hat, ignoring the pain. _Please…come off!_

However, no matter how much he rubbed it against the ground, no matter how many times he jerked it, no matter how much effort he put into pulling it off, the hat wouldn't move. Not even a smidge.

Finally, Komamura gave up. He sighed and sat down on the ground, his hands over his face. _I'll never get it off, _he thought. _Unless…_

Yes, that was it! He could go and have someone else pull it off. Komamura mentally congratulated himself for yet another wonderful idea, and ran into the building as fast as his legs could carry him.

* * *

"Hmph. Sounds easy enough." The tall Captain of 11th Division circled Komamura again, eying the hat. "Take zanpakutou. Cut hat."

"Carefully," Komamura added, wondering if it was such a great idea to ask Kenpachi after all. He didn't really like the violent man, but he knew he needed someone with immense strength to help him get the cat hat off.

"Yeah, yeah." Kenpachi waved his hand. "I'm not going to take off your scalp or anything. Although I hear that eating fox ears is good for growing muscles."

"Just get it off," Komamura growled through his teeth. Kenpachi rolled his eyes and unsheathed his zanpakutou. He licked his lips and started sawing away.

Komamura let his eyes wander all over the office. There was a suspicious red stain on the floor. The fox captain winced slightly, wondering who the unlucky victim had been.

He soon noticed that Kenpachi seemed to be sawing with difficulty. "Having some trouble?"

"No!" Kenpachi snapped back firmly. "I'm—making progress." He scowled at the unmarred cat hat and sliced more aggressively.

Komamura sighed. His legs were getting awful tired. "May I sit down?" he asked.

"No!" Kenpachi glared at the cat hat. Suddenly he blinked. "Hey…this looks like the hat Kuchiki was wearing…"

Komamura tuned him out. _This is quite boring, _he thought. He looked around for something else that would capture his attention. He didn't want to look at that red stain anymore.

His eyes eventually went to the window.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A DOG SAYING HELLO TO __ANOTHER DOG._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

"…and then he jumps up and yells 'You mocking me?!'…" Kenpachi said as he stabbed the cat hat. But the fox captain wasn't listening.

Komamura whirled around and faced Kenpachi. He dropped to his hands and knees. He wagged his tail and looked up at the tall man.

"What're you doin' down there?!" Kenpachi snarled. "Get back up, I've almost got it off."

Komamura paid no attention. He ran around to Kenpachi and gleefully shoved his nose between the other man's buttocks, yelping with happiness.

"What in the—" A string of colorful words left Kenpachi's mouth.

* * *

Hisagi, Kira, and Renji were walking down the hallway. Kira was telling them about how the fox captain had attacked him in the field.

"Look out, here he comes!" Renji said. Kira squeaked and jumped behind Hisagi.

But Komamura paid no attention to the trio. Instead, he appeared to be running away from something. He flashed by them so fast that Renji's hair came out of its ponytail. A few seconds after he had passed, a dark figure passed by just as fast. They could have sworn they heard the tinkling of bells.

"Was that…" Kira ventured.

"…Komamura-taichou…" Hisagi said.

"…and Zaraki-taichou?" Renji finished.

Meanwhile, Komamura was flash stepping away from Kenpachi as fast as he could. The poor man was in a murderous rage.

As Komamura rounded the corner, he was glad that least one good thing come of the incident with Kenpachi. The man had helped him pull off the cat hat when he tried to get the fox captain in a headlock.

_I'm just glad I don't have to see that cat hat again, _Komamura sighed.

* * *

The cat hat lay on the ground. Its eyes remained closed. The wind blew softly and ruffled the matted fur.

Suddenly, a female figure shunpoed over to the cat hat. She stood there, looking at it for some time. And then…

* * *

**Haha, I can't help making Kira a victim of the crazy cat hat people. And I apologize greatly to ****Chibified Youkai 101**** for not making this a chapter about Hisagi. But don't worry! He's one of my favorite characters, so he shall get his turn! Komamura might have been OOC…I'm sorry about that. **

**I noticed that I was doing all the cat hat victims as guys, so I'll let my lovely reviewers choose who the female victim is.**

**Please review!**


	5. Cat Hat Victim 5: Soi Fon

**Forgive me, for I have failed you, my reviewers. I haven't updated in a long time, and I am so sorry to you all. However, I will try to update as quickly as possible now that I am on vacation.**

**Thank you to all who have reviewed—****FantasticallySnarkastic, Rai-Kata Reese, Halibel Lecter, and Kisuke-san—****and to those who will review and support me. **

**Here's the recap (since I haven't updated in so long that I wouldn't be surprised to see that you've forgotten…)…**

_The cat hat lay on the ground. Its eyes remained closed. The wind blew softly and ruffled the matted fur._

_Suddenly, a female figure shunpoed over to the cat hat. She stood there, looking at it for some time. And then…_

* * *

…Soi Fon reached down without hesitation and picked the cat hat up. She carefully turned it over in her hands, examining the matted fur and the slightly torn ears. Her fingers ran over the closed eyes.

A gasp escaped her lips as she caught sight of the hollowed out belly. _Who would do such a thing to a poor cat? _She thought, rage building inside her. Ever since she had met Yoruichi, Soi Fon had felt a strange affinity for cats and detested those who mistreated them.

"I will give you a proper burial," she said aloud and cradling the cat hat to her chest, she set off at a solemn pace to the gardens.

* * *

"May your spirit forever rest in peace," Soi Fon murmured quietly as she lowered the cat hat in a hole she had dug in the garden with some poor shinigami's zanpakutou. "May you wake—"

"Fon-taichou?" A voice startled her and her hands flew up into the air, flinging the cat hat up. Her heart beating quickly, she whirled on the voice.

"What do you want?" she barked at the blonde. Kira blushed and quickly held his hands up as though to ward of any attacks she might try on him.

"I-I didn't mean to interrupt you, I just saw the cat hat and I—" Soi Fon's eyes widened and she lunged at Kira, her zanpakutou out and ready.

"You! You were the one who did that to the poor cat! I'll kill you!" Her voice rose angrily and to a dangerously high pitch. Kira dropped to the floor as she towered over him, her eyes blazing. Her whole body screamed bloodlust.

"No, no, it wasn't me, I…please believe me, Fon-taichou!" Kira cried out, his hands covering his stomach and groin. "I was…ah…I wanted to help you bury the cat. I…I myself have something for cats and hate to see them treated cruelly." He crossed his fingers and hoped that she bought it.

To his shock, Soi Fon's eyes softened and she put the zanpakutou away. Her hand reached out and pulled Kira to his feet. "I apologize," she murmured. "Of course you can help me." Her heart filled with joy. Finally, someone else who understood, who loved cats just as much as she did!

Her eyes caught a spot of dark grey in the corner of her eye. Turning, she saw that the cat hat was stuck in a tree branch, dangling by its belly, which was caught in on a sharp branch. Just seeing the poor cat hat in such a state made Soi Fon's heart ache.

"Come," she said, pulling Kira along with her. "We must rescue—" Here she paused, for the gender of the cat hat was unknown. After only a few seconds of consideration, Soi Fon finished, "—her. We must rescue her."

Soi Fon had Kira stand under the tree branch with the cat hat on it and then climbed up onto his shoulders, reaching up until her fingertips brushed the fur. Straining, she stretched a little bit more, and a bit more, and then a bit further, and—

_Crash. _The two shinigami toppled and fell. Soi Fon landed on top of Kira, his head underneath her posterior. She winced and almost fainted when something heavy and warm landed on top of her head, almost blocking out her vision.

_What…happened? Is the cat hat okay…? _She passed out before she was able to think anything else.

* * *

When Soi Fon woke up, she was in the 4th Division hospital. Blinking, she sat up in the bed.

Something heavy was on her head, making her itch terribly. Her hand reached up to scratch her head, but instead of feeling her smooth hair, she felt rough matted fur.

"Eh?" Soi Fon jumped out of bed and rushed to the mirror. To her horror, the cat hat was perched on top of her head.

"No!" An animal cry escaped her lips. She was wearing this monstrosity on her head! A disgrace to cat lovers everywhere!

Without waiting for Unohana to return, she shunpoed away to find a solution.

Soi Fon ran through the hallways, her feet flying over the floor. _Must…get…it…off…_she thought, her mind whirling. She burst into her office, where Omaeda was eating his fried rice crackers enthusiastically.

When she came in, his head snapped up and his eyes widened guiltily as he eyed the crumbs he had scattered on the neatly done paperwork. "Uhh…hello, taichou…"

Soi Fon did not seem to see him as she rushed over to a drawer of the desk. Opening it, she rummaged through it feverishly, appearing to be looking for something.

Omaeda wondered if he could go back to his rice crackers yet. "Taichou?" he said again as he stuffed another cracker into his mouth.

"Shut up, I'm looking for something!" Soi Fon angrily rebuked as she tossed empty rice cracker bags and crumpled drawings of food out of the drawer.

Undisturbed, Omaeda simply regarded his taichou with a bored look. "What're you looking for?" he muttered as he dropped some more crackers into his open, crumb covered mouth.

Soi Fon's head snapped up and she glared angrily at the fat man. "I said, shut up!"

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A FAT MAN EATING RICE_

_CRACKERS._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Omaeda shrugged. "I was just asking," he grunted as he shoveled more food past his fat lips.

Suddenly, the bag was wrenched from his hands. Omaeda blinked and stared at his empty hands, then looked up to see Soi Fon greedily eating the rice crackers as though she hadn't eaten in years.

The initial shock that Omaeda had at first was soon replaced by anger at having his mouth free of food. "Hey, taichou, I want my crackers back."

Soi Fon ignored him as she threw the empty bag into his face and dug into the drawers for more. Within minutes, all of the rice crackers in the room had been not-so-gracefully shoved into Soi Fon's mouth. She chewed with her mouth open as her hands opened drawers and lifted chairs and desks in her search for the fried crackers.

After a few silent minutes into Soi Fon's fruitless hunt, she suddenly stopped. Her body straightened up and her jaw stopped chewing. The poor woman stared in shock at her hands, which were covered in crumbs.

"Omaeda!" she yelled, expelling mushy half-masticated cracker out of her mouth. "What did you do to me?"

Omaeda shrugged. "I didn't do anything, taichou. You just started eating my—" He stopped as he remembered that because of Soi Fon, he didn't have any more rice crackers. "You ATE MY CRACKERS!"

Blushing furiously, wiping the cracker mush from her mouth, Soi Fon yelled back "Shut up, fukutaichou! Those crackers were stale! Besides, you can always buy more!" Suddenly filled with great embarrassment, she turned on her heel and flung open the door, marching out with as much dignity as she could muster.

* * *

Soi Fon hurried into the nearest room, not caring whose it was or who was in it. She closed the door and breathed deeply, glad to be away from her lieutenant.

A stale, sour aftertaste wafted from the back of her throat to her mouth. She winced and wished for something to take away the awful taste. _Why did I eat those crackers? I hate them, I hate it when he eats them, so why did I suddenly get that urge to—_

"Er...Soi…Fon?" The voice broke through her thoughts and reminded her that the room she had chosen was not exactly empty.

Unfortunately she wasn't in the best of moods, considering the incident with the crackers and the fact that the dead cat was on top of her head, so naturally she snapped, "What do you want?" Of course, she did not bother to look up at the person who was talking.

"You're late for the Captains' meeting," Mayuri's whiny voice cut in. Blinking and looking up, Soi Fon realized that indeed, today there had been a scheduled Captains' meeting. She also noticed that she had stumbled into the meeting hall and all the other Captains were looking right at her.

"Right…" Soi Fon said, quickly taking her place. To her surprise, she noticed Byakuya, Komamura, Kenpachi, Ichigo, and several other captains staring at her head. A warmth spread up her cheeks as she realized how silly she looked with the cat hat on.

The meeting went on, dreary and boring as ever. In an attempt to amuse herself, Soi Fon decided to see how many times Ichigo looked at the other captains.

Byakuya…that was one…

Kenpachi…that was two…

Byakuya again…three…

Byakuya again…four…

Byakuya…again...five…was it just her or did Ichigo seem unhealthily attached to the 6th Division Captain?

Soi Fon wrinkled her nose in disgust as Ichigo lifted a hand to scratch at his chest. _Ugh. Men. They were so disgusting and uncivilized._

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW AN ORANGE HAIRED MAN_

_SCRATCHING HIS CHEST._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Just as Yamamoto paused in his long speech about Aizen (or something else, no one was really paying attention), Soi Fon's hand reached up and copied Ichigo's actions, scratching her chest.

Erm…except she's a woman. And therefore has those "things" on her chest.

At first, Soi Fon simply froze and stared down at her hand, which was happily scratching away. She willed it to stop, but nothing happened. She reached up with her other hand and grabbed the offending one, but to her surprise (and dismay) both of her hands started scratching her chest.

Ichigo was first to notice. His brown eyes trailed around the hall, half-glazed over, until they brushed past Soi Fon. Then the glazed look left his eyes and he exclaimed, "Whoa!", complete with a point at the 2nd Division Captain.

All eyes turned. Soi Fon pretended not to notice, though she made a mental note to kill Ichigo after the meeting.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A MAN WITH A FOX HEAD _

_WAGGING HIS TAIL._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Bad timing. As all of the Captains' eyes were on her—including the soutaichou's—Soi Fon dropped her hands from her chest. She breathed a sigh of relief, but not for long. As though there was something in the seat of her pants, she started shaking her butt maniacally. All the male Captains stared. Ichigo had a nosebleed.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW AN ORANGE HAIRED MAN_

_LYING ON THE GROUND WITH BLOOD_

_COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Soi Fon stopped shaking her butt, but the embarrassment was not over yet. She dropped to the ground and lay next to Ichigo. Her eyes closed and she remained still. To the other Captains, she looking like a kindergarten child who had just been told that it was naptime.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A SANDALED FOOT TAPPING._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Soi Fon's body started twitching and thrashing. Soon she was flopping around the hall like a fish, her eyes still squeezed shut.

She only stopped when her head crashed into the wall, knocking her out.

* * *

"Uh…" Soi Fon groaned and rolled over. Then she sat up quickly and surveyed her surroundings. Once again, she was back in 4th Division.

"You're awake, Fon-taichou!" Hanatarou cheerily announced. His high voice hurt her ears.

"Thank you, Mr. Obvious," she snarled. Pushing the covers back, she hopped out of the bed and made her way to the open door.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Hanatarou ran in front of her and blocked the door. "Unohana said not to let you out yet! She needs to run some tests on you!" He quickly closed the door.

Soi Fon grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, making him squeak. Walking over to the nearest wall, she slammed him against it. "I'm a Captain!" she hissed angrily. "I can do what—" A soft moan stopped her and she turned her head in the direction of the noise.

As the door of the room swung close, it revealed Ikkaku and Nemu were standing behind the door, kissing passionately. They did not notice the commotion between Soi Fon and Hanatarou.

_THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN._

_IT SAW A DARK HAIRED WOMAN _

_KISSING A BALD MAN._

_THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN._

Soi Fon dropped Hanatarou, her gaze on the couple behind the door. Licking her lips, she walked over.

Ikkaku looked up. Blushing, he pulled away from Nemu. "Oh, er…" he turned slightly red. "Sorry…we can leave n—"

He was cut off as Soi Fon pushed him against the wall and started making out with him.

* * *

At the next Captain's meeting, Soi Fon arrived on time. This time, though, she wore one of Omaeda's rice cracker bags over her head.

There was silence. Then Ukitake spoke. "Soi Fon…what happened?"

Soi Fon did not reply. Her gaze was fixed on the ground as she remembered…

_Hack. Hack. "I'll teach you to kiss my boyfriend!" More cuts appeared on Soi Fon's body despite her attempts to dodge the blows._

_Soi Fon backed away from the raging woman, cowering. Who knew that Nemu could be so violent and possessive? And over Ikkaku, of all things._

"_It wasn't my fault! Don't you dare lay hands on me, you—" Sshwing._

_Soi Fon gasped and closed her eyes as Nemu's sword attacked her weak point, slicing…_

The bag fell off Soi Fon's head, revealing short, frizzy hair and a head covered with numerous bald spots.

And a hush fell over the crowd.

* * *

The cat hat was lying on the ground of the garden, so still. It remained where Nemu had thrown it out the window.

Soon, a small Hollow ventured undetected to the garden. It sniffed the cat hat, then promptly swallowed it. In one fluid motion, it made a dimension rip and climbed in to Hueco Mundo.

Once there, it was attacked by a group of other Hollow, who tore it apart and devoured it. The cat hat fell onto the sand, covered in blood. It was ignored by the other Hollow as they drifted away, returning to their shelter since their work was done.

Time passed, and the cat hat was covered in sand and coagulated blood. Then a lone figure stepped forward. His foot pressed into the sand and he looked down, considering the cat hat.

"Well!" Gin exclaimed after some time. "Whaddaya think of that?"

* * *

**I apologize to Soi Fon, but I think I will be getting a haircut soon and I do not want it. And there was born the idea to make Soi Fon bald.**

**Tee-hee! I've taken Halibel Lecter's advice and the cat hat will be with the Aizen and his Arrancar for the next few chapters!**

**Review, me hearties, yo ho!**


	6. I Am A Human Being! With Feelings!

**Sorry for not updating quickly, I was on vacation. I wrote this chapter at the same time I was writing the other chapters, so it was finished, but I didn't get to update it until today.**

**On a less important note: I noticed that my usage of "Captain" and "taichou" was inconsistent. Everything has been edited. Thank you.**

* * *

Let's take a break from the humiliation/torture of the Bleach characters and see how all the victims are faring.

_**x-x-x-Cat Hat-x-x-x**_

Renji: "I'm not kidding, that stupid cat hat is the worst thing that ever happened to me! Every time I see Kira, he glares at me and turns his back. Hisagi spreads paper on the floor when I come over, and he never lets me near the brush. And my taichou is making my life miserable. I even had to go to a counselor in 4th Division!"

_(At this point Renji started throwing things around and yelling manically, so the interview was discontinued. The hair tie Renji left with Unohana was returned to him after he calmed down.)_

_**x-x-x-Cat Hat-x-x-x**_

Ichigo: "My family and my friends are not being sympathetic. I get beat up by a guy because of a cat hat, I jump in a lake because of a cat hat, but does anyone care? No, they're amused by the fact that the cat hat made me…do something people do not do in public. What's worse, every time we finish eating my father asks me if I need to 'go outside'. I'm not a dog, for crying out loud! I am a human being! With feelings!"

_(Here Ichigo broke down and started crying, so I stopped. He was sent to Unohana for counseling.)_

**_x-x-x-Cat Hat-x-x-x_**

Byakuya has not fully recovered from his wounds ("It is unlikely he will ever bear children again," comments Unohana on his condition), and so he refused to see me (I think it had something to do with the yellowness of the pencil and the sharpened point), but I still managed to bribe his subordinates into giving me some information.

Subbie #1: "I notice that taichou seems to have a fear of hornets and bees after his ordeal with the cat hat…there was a bee in his room and he hid under the covers."

Subbie #2: "Taichou hasn't been himself lately…and I wonder why every time he walks down the hall everyone runs away, and Nanao hides her fan."

Subbie #3: "Whenever taichou sees Fon-taichou, he automatically moves his sword to subtly cover the area between his legs."

I did enter Byakuya's room using a secret passage that Hanatarou showed me, but the results were messy. Byakuya took one look at the pencil (which I held in my right hand) and started screaming bloody murder. I was forced to give him a lollipop in the shape of Gin's head to shut him up. As I walked out the door, I saw him devouring it like a hungry animal.

**_x-x-x-Cat Hat-x-x-x_**

Komamura did not suffer severe injuries from Kenpachi, but his mental trauma is quite bad. He started wearing a helmet again, and he no longer chases cats (instead, he runs away from them).

I went to talk to him, and…well, here's how it went.

Me: Komamura?

K: *whimper*

Me: I'd like to interview you about the cat—

K: *louder whimper*

Me: Okay, okay, I won't bother you.

K: It's coming for me. One day I'll end up dying mysteriously, and you'll be the only who knows why. Tousen always did tell me that cats are not to be trusted. I wish I'd listened to him.

_(And Komamura's eyes glazed over as he remembered happier times with his old friend.)_

**_x-x-x-Cat Hat-x-x-x_**

And Soi Fon.

She went to 4th Division to see if the injuries Nemu gave her were serious (needless to say, they weren't), but the real damage was to her main source of pride.

Her hair.

Soi Fon spent several months wearing Byakuya's scarf wrapped around her head (all she had to do was go into his room and he threw it at her, screaming "Take it! Take it all! Leave me alone! Take it! Go away!") and she even went to Mayuri for a serum that would quickly grow her hair back.

And guess what? It actually worked!

Except for one small glitch…

Her hair grew back in a lovely shade of pea-green, mixed with neon purple streaks and a dash of lemon yellow. And it was in the shape of Omaeda's face. Oh joy.

* * *

**Okay, okay, I know you all wanted to see what would happen next to the cat hat. This is just something to read while I type up the other chapters. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


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